The Employee Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse
Hello everyone!
As we approach the end of 2053, this is a great time to stop and reflect on everything we’ve experienced this year. This was a bittersweet year for many of you — depending on where you live, you may have faced natural disasters, disease, political upheaval, economic collapse and any combination of these. But on the other hand, Friendly Relatable Corp’s stock price (ticker symbol FRC) has never been higher! As we celebrate the end of this year and usher in a new one, we on the management team at FRC have decided to put together a list of all the resources and benefits that the company provides to all of you to help get you through these unprecedented times. “The Employee Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse”, as we’ve come to call it fondly. These are all explained in more detail in the FRC Handbook, and the relevant sections are referenced where needed. Enjoy, and remember the FRC mantra — we’re all in this together!
Expense a ClimateSafe bunker in your home
Many of you live in areas that are prone to climate disasters, including earthquakes, floods, tornadoes and wildfires. Good news, if you live in one of the eligible areas (see FRC Handbook Section 4.3.3 — Climate Disaster Zones), you can now expense the construction of a ClimateSafe bunker in your home. These bunkers will protect you from every imaginable disaster, and a few that you can’t imagine too! Remember, your safety and peace of mind come above all else.
Note: A ClimateSafe bunker can NOT be expensed if you live within 50 miles of a designated United Nations Safe Space.
Don’t forget your FRC firearm
We recognize that certain regions of the world are more prone to political instability than others (see FRC Handbook Section 4.3.4 — Political Instability Zones). Extensive and continuous research is conducted by the FRC security team to ensure that this list is kept up-to-date. If you do live in an area designated as a PIZ, the company will provide a firearm to you at no cost, including a monthly budget for ammunition. After consulting the firearm carry laws for your state/country/nation-state/autonomous zone/kingdom, remember to have your firearm with you at all times when leaving your house. They will keep you safe if used responsibly (monthly firearm safety and handling classes are conducted by FRC over HoloCall). These are top-of-the-line machines used by the most elite militaries around the world, and you know what they say — fight fire with fire!
Additional days off for disasters
While we continue to provide an industry-leading 10 paid days off every year, we want to make sure that those 10 days are reserved for true rest and rejuvenation. So in cases where you are unable to work due to local political upheaval or climate disaster, FRC wants you to have the freedom to take time off to ensure your safety without using up your standard vacation days. Keep an eye out for emails from our security team indicating eligible disaster days as they happen!
Working where you need to
Many of you may be weary of the current atmosphere (figuratively and literally) on the planet. Well, we have good news. We’re excited to announce that we are finally able to offer our most requested benefit — working off-planet! We’re in the process of constructing an FRC office within the first Martian colony, Red Earth, and hope to be completed by the end of 2055. We will provide more details to you as we get closer to this date, but in the meantime, be sure to start having discussions with your family and your manager to understand if this is an option you would like to pursue.
Note: At its farthest approach, Mars is over 20 light minutes from Earth and so this option will only be available to members of teams that have adopted a 100% asynchronous working style (see FRC Handbook Section 9.2 — Working Asynchronously). Talk to your manager to adopt this working style if you believe it would be beneficial for you or for your team.
In-house gene editing services
FRC continues to provide gene editing services for all expecting parents at no cost. As many of you may remember, FRC led the charge for this 5 years ago, being one of the first companies to provide this benefit. Beyond simple disease prevention, we also offer a variety of supplemental attribute enhancements including intelligence, speed and strength among others. We want to give your offspring the highest chance of survival, to ensure that your legacy is carried forward far into the future! You can consult FRC Handbook Section 7 — Gene Editing for further information and to see the full list of traits that are covered.
Disclaimer: While we resolve the ongoing lawsuit, “Loyalty to FRC” will be temporarily paused as an offered trait.
Flexibility in retirement fund offerings
We continue to provide you a number of vehicles to invest in for your retirement. Along with more traditional funds such as cryptocurrency, we now offer funds backed by digital real estate, fossil fuels and interstellar travel among many others. Consult FRC Handbook Section 12.3 — Retirement Accounts for the full list. We want to make sure that after your long and illustrious career at FRC, all of your needs will be met for a comfortable retirement!
Disclaimer: We have no plans to offer a fund backed by DogeCoin, and any further inquiries regarding this will be treated as potential cause for termination.
Expense a personal VR headset
Along with the VR headset that you are issued for work, you can expense a second VR headset for personal use. We understand that the world can be a little overwhelming sometimes, and we want you to have the option to rest and explore the Microverse in your free time, without the restrictions imposed on your primary headsets.
Disclaimer: Your activity may still be tracked from your personal headset and aggregated anonymously to improve user experience in future iterations of the Microverse. This information will NOT be used for ad targeting.
Give NeuroTherapy™ a shot
While we already provide a comprehensive set of mental health benefits as part of your company-provided insurance, we understand that not all of you have the time to spend many hours with a therapist, revisiting and unpacking your childhood. Well good news, newly available technology NeuroTherapy™ promises the same benefits within just one hour! Simply fill out a form explaining the aspects of your personality that you would most like to change, and the NeuroTherapy™ machine will directly analyze and modify your neural pathways to resolve all such issues in just one session. You can finally be your best self!
Disclaimer 1: NeuroTherapy™ can, by definition, drastically change your personality. You will be required to sign a waiver before your procedure stating that you understand the risks involved and consent to having your personality updated.
Disclaimer 2: Reports that NeuroTherapy™ treatment primarily focuses on improving employee productivity have been thoroughly debunked. NeuroTherapy™ only impacts personality traits that you yourself choose to change (some of which can indirectly improve productivity).
Disclaimer 3: For the purpose of disclosing all conflicts of interest, we are required to tell you that the CEO of NeuroTherapy™ sits on the board of directors at FRC.
Holiday for Disarmament Day
We will now offer April 24th as a global holiday for Disarmament Day, to commemorate the disposal of the last nuclear warhead on April 24th, 2051.
Note: If you live in a country that continues to experience political instability and war and you believe that celebrating this holiday is distasteful, FRC gives you the autonomy to continue working through this day if you would prefer.
The last resort — cryofreezing
Finally, we completely understand if all this talk of political and climate disaster is wearing you down and making it challenging for you to achieve your full potential at work. If you have a strong belief in mankind’s future, we also provide to you the option of cryofreezing yourself. You can elect to be frozen for any period of time from 2 years to 50 years, at which point you can wake up to a (potentially) brighter tomorrow! As disruptive as this can be to the company’s roadmaps and goals, we will always put employees’ needs first. You can read FRC Handbook Section 17.1 — Cryofreezing to learn more, and if you believe that this option is right for you, reach out to your manager to work out the details and to ensure minimum disruption to your team.
Disclaimer: Depending on the duration of your cryofreezing, you will be required to work for FRC for a minimum amount of time upon waking. The FRC handbook provides this information in more detail.
And that’s that, we hope that you found this guide helpful. And as a final treat, to celebrate the incredible increase in our stock price this year, you will all be receiving… wait for it… complimentary FRC-branded sunglasses! Look out for them in your mail in the coming days. Have a wonderful holiday, and see you all back in 2054!
FRC Management Team
